You said the words I knew you knew......

Oh God, oh God I needed you. God all this time I needed you, I needed you.

My life in a nutshell: hoping for what I can not see and longing for significance to be found in my life. Do I want to be depressed, or is it just the ever-present thought of insignificance that actually keeps me sane? I do not know. Being and nothingness seem to haunt me at the same time. I long to be, but I often find myself as nothing. Nothing in the sense that I do not reach out to those who are hurting and broken. I seem to find that the consequence of nothingness is feeling alone, alone in a world where to just be is possible. I do not feel that I am nothing when I am with my wife and children. No, I actually feel the possibility to live life for others that knows no bounds. I go to my school or work, and nothingness creeps in and takes its place. My lack of an ability to care for others in these settings frightens my inner-self. My mind is full of bad thoughts towards others, but my heart tells me to be that man that would lay down his own life for his brothers and sisters. Maybe its jealousy or pride. Maybe its carnality at its finest. I have felt for a long time that I do not know really much of anybody at my college, yet I spend a lot of my time there. Any control that I have ever thought to have had, slips right through my hands when I go to college. I used to be the type of person that befriended people because I genuinely cared. I have tried to care, but have been rejected. So I resort to the phase of nothingness that has kept me from just being. To just be in the entirety of my life would be a massive burden lifted from myself. Do I have the strength to pull myself up? I do not know. It is by the grace of God that the possibility becomes stronger, but sometimes people need others to be there with them in the physical.


Good night and good luck.....

A response to Mr. Claiborne...

I have finished the book Jesus for President, and am compelled to respond to it as it is still fresh in my mind. The thing that amazes me most is that he stands up for what he says by everyday living the life of what we Americans would call a community secluded from the real world. It seems to me at first glance that this way of living would be impossible, but when I think about it more in depth that impossibility is in actuality a very real way of living. Although I do not think I could personally live as he does, I have always through the years been sick of the fact that America has strictly become a nation full of consumers. We need to realize that a nation full of producers is much more profitable for the human psyche and soul. If we are going to be a nation of consumers, then we will in turn sacrifice the ability to see the beauty in how something is made. We lose our ability to be human when we do not recognize the beauty behind things that are made. I agree with Shane that the way we are making things overseas (not everything) is immoral. The fact that we can tell someone to make something for us cheaper for our own benefit should sink into our hearts. We need to realize though that the godless system of capitalism is the only system in which it fits our sinful human nature. It fits it in the sense that our inclination to be greedy is very real, and it preys upon that nature. So it is our human nature that creates the system of beggars that Shane talks about. As Christians, we need to point out the fact that the way of doing things in the world is godless, and so we need to step up and be the light in the world. We as a Church should be feeding the hungry, giving clothes to those that lack them, providing health care to the sick and dying. We have failed to do these things because we have been swayed by the godless system of keeping to one's self, rather than sharing in the abundance that God has so graciously granted us.

I think Shane challenged me most when it comes to war and violence. I can not wrap my mind around abandoning war. War is evil in and of itself, and I agree with him. But just as I would feel myself obligated to defend my family if somebody were trying to kill them, I also would feel the obligation to defend the most defenseless that are being wiped out just because they were born a different race from those who are oppressing them. "But a common thread ties together the most horrific perpetrators of violence: they kill themselves" (pg. 204). I think he fails to realize that the reason that happens is that those defending the defenseless have driven these leaders to ultimate defeat. Everything Hitler lived for was for his own personal glory, and when that was shattered utter hopelessness drove them to suicide (sad though that Hitler in his final letter still thought he was fulfilling that glory by killing himself). I am not denying that war destroys our image because what we do in war is ask men and women to do that which is the antithesis of right-order in this world. I guess I am more of a Bonhoeffer in this respect that we pray for mercy in the sinful action of war. Mercy in order that we may protect those who have seen no mercy themselves, and also for those of us who would be participating in that defense. This nation has no doubt perpetrated unnecessary wars, but should we expect anything different? We are not a Christian nation as so many of my friends and family claim it to be. If we do claim that then we have blasphemed the name of our Lord greater than any other nation in history. I apologize as an American for Hiroshima and Nagasaki, for the Civil War, for slavery, for allowing over 40 million babies to be aborted, and if any of these actions were done in the name of Christ, then I apologize to you God for our nation wrongfully using your name to perform and support systems that can only be described as sinful and heinous. Do we want to be considered a Christian nation? I think not, for then we would be defaming the name of Christ, and I do not want to participate in any way or form of such a labeling.

I have felt as though God has been preparing me over the past few months, and after reading this book have been reaffirmed in the feeling that God is doing something. I feel as though He is preparing my heart and mind to live in another country. Maybe not as a technical missionary, but just someone who ministers to the needs of those who we would consider the least of these. I have so sinned in my life in thinking that these people will be helped by others and I need not worry about the suffering around me. After I read this book I have started to realize that I have a major problem. My attitude has been incorrect, I have wronged my fellow man. I have been blessed, and therefore I have the obligation to be a blessing. Shane's right in the sense that we are hoarders rather than givers. We take take take, and forget that in our walk with Christ we are called to be givers. I hope that I can give to those around me, no matter who they are. I hope I can give of my love, finances, mercies, talents, abilities, whatever it may be I wish to be a giver and not a taker. That is my prayer for my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, that we would do the Word by our giving hearts.

I agree with the awesome Russian author Fyodor Dostoevsky when he says: "To live without Hope is to cease to live." We should be a people set apart for God that shows that the true Hope to a lost and broken world is Jesus Christ. Never shall we falter if we put our trust in Him to be givers to those who suffer. God will take that, and when we are in time of need He will provide through the giving of somebody else because we were first obedient to His Word. I wish to say more, but for another time.

Good night and good luck.......

The subject is.....

"I am merely a man", that is the title of this blog. I name it that because I am merely a man who is seeking to understand even a fingertip's worth of the nature of God and who He is. I do not know people who blog, in fact only one so far, but I do this in order that I can look back at all the thoughts I have decided to write down over what will then be my past. It will be used as an encouragement to myself (and hopefully others eventually) to know the growth that I have made in certain areas of life.

I have been reading Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne with the hope of understanding a perspective that I thought was totally foreign to me. In fact, I felt coming into the book that there was a level of ignorance that his position sold to people. I was wrong, and I admit that it was I who was ignorant, and you could even say arrogance was guiding my ignorance. I thought that this book would be some childish attempt at saying "peace is great". I have been humbled by Shane's honest attempt in this book to push forward one of the most difficult challenges in my philosophical understanding of life. I am not done with the book yet, so I refrain for now to tell you what those challenges are and how I have faced them. The point of this blog is to reflect on the reality that progress is happening in my life right now. I feel though that yes this topic ultimately deals with God, but I feel it to be more of a philosophical issue with me. I feel that right now spiritual non-growth is occurring. I feel I need a great awakening. I feel this land needs a great awakening. I feel we need to be the hands and feet of our Lord Jesus Christ and pray continually that God would declare that this land would awakened out of the slumber of what this godless culture has made us fallen asleep to. I need the Lord. His love, grace, mercy, compassion, and goodness is all that I need. O the day when I can finally live my faith to the fullest and let those attributes of God flow through my own life.

Goodnight and good luck.......