Oh God, oh God I needed you. God all this time I needed you, I needed you.
My life in a nutshell: hoping for what I can not see and longing for significance to be found in my life. Do I want to be depressed, or is it just the ever-present thought of insignificance that actually keeps me sane? I do not know. Being and nothingness seem to haunt me at the same time. I long to be, but I often find myself as nothing. Nothing in the sense that I do not reach out to those who are hurting and broken. I seem to find that the consequence of nothingness is feeling alone, alone in a world where to just be is possible. I do not feel that I am nothing when I am with my wife and children. No, I actually feel the possibility to live life for others that knows no bounds. I go to my school or work, and nothingness creeps in and takes its place. My lack of an ability to care for others in these settings frightens my inner-self. My mind is full of bad thoughts towards others, but my heart tells me to be that man that would lay down his own life for his brothers and sisters. Maybe its jealousy or pride. Maybe its carnality at its finest. I have felt for a long time that I do not know really much of anybody at my college, yet I spend a lot of my time there. Any control that I have ever thought to have had, slips right through my hands when I go to college. I used to be the type of person that befriended people because I genuinely cared. I have tried to care, but have been rejected. So I resort to the phase of nothingness that has kept me from just being. To just be in the entirety of my life would be a massive burden lifted from myself. Do I have the strength to pull myself up? I do not know. It is by the grace of God that the possibility becomes stronger, but sometimes people need others to be there with them in the physical.
Good night and good luck.....
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Hang in there, brother. The feeling of being alone can be very tough to overcome...and I'm sure this isn't anything you haven't heard before...but for me, I feel that ever since I made my relationship with the LORD a more personal one, nothing else really matters. It doesn't phase me if I go through a day at school without anyone significantly talking to me. It doesn't matter if people argue against my opinions. It doesn't matter if people think I am crazy for believing what I believe.
ReplyDeleteAll that matters is that I am living my life, as I believe, in a manner worthy of the LORD. All that matters to me is that I am in constant communication with Him...everything (and everyone) else is significantly less important.
I am still praying for you, my friend!